WE WATCHED IT, SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO...!!!

EVENT 16

I thought our search here to uncover and warn you people about the worst film would take months, possibly years. But as fate, luck and sheer serendipity would have it, it seems to have arrived a lot earlier than expected.

New Zealand is renowned for many things: Sheep, All-Blacks, Temuera Morrison, Peter Jackson, Hobbits, funnny accents, Flight of the Conchords. Notice how science fiction isnt on that list? Well this film is the reason!

So far in my life I have NEVER seen a shittier, fucking ridiculous, nonsensical, terribly acted, directed, shot, edited film in my life! I’d rather watch Alien Western again with commentary! I’d rather watch a live stage extended version of Freddy Got Fingered in an audience of cloned Tom Greens at Tom Greens house! This film is the epitome and now reigning champion of “MOST SHIT FILM ON EARTH …SO FAR” and believe you me, its going to take to knock this giant turd off the top spot.

Derek Pearson the writer, director, producer and editor of this travesty needs to be hung, drawn, quartered, flayed and burnt at thhhe upcoming Academy Awards as a warning to others out there that this shit wont be tolerated. You’re not as talented as multiple job man Robert Rodriguez (El Mariachi, Spy Kids) to do all those jobs! This film makes the previously mentioned Alien Western look like One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest! Thats how shit Event 16 is!

Obviously a Mitsubishi car commercial gone awry, Derek takes us on a fucking absurd time-travel experience complete with a stapler that allows people to phase through solid objects combined with Matrix-inspired fight sequences. I say inspired because all he managed to replicate was that they wore black, and all the actors have bad teeth! At first its not noticable but then it becomes an orthodontists dream with set after set of warped, discoloured calcium jumping off the screen.

This film is shit! Shit cover, shit title sequence, shit acting shit direction, shit production, shit special effects, shit plot, shit story, shit everything! This film fucking hurt me! If by morbid curiosity you wish to view this film you do so at your own risk and is available at Blockbuster Broadway and the 7th level of hell.

…and Tristan, thank you for bringing this shit to my attention even though I may never recover!

KEV

SKYLINE

Hmmm, just dont know about this one. Filled with umpteen tv stars, which is nothing new (Starship Troopers) but it just felt cheap in this film. I am even a fan of David Zayas (Angel from Dexter, seriously I love his fucking hats), but Turk from Scrubs is just that, Turk, I kept waiting for JD (the other one) to walk in the room or Dr Cox to turn up and unload a mouthful of abuse at him about why he chose to appear in such a meh film. Lets forget the actors for the time being, they do an ok job. Effects wise the aliens, ships etc all look great but then these days there really is no excuse for poor FX, even in tele movies, that said all the designs were fairly interesting. Cool looking aliens, big and small. Nothing really original plot wise in fact the whole thing seems to be the love child of Independence Day, District 9 and War of the Worlds.

Overall Skyline feels like it began life as a tv pilot, and the ending seems to be proof of that to me, expect a sequel some time soon.

JD

Tosh.0

While movies are our forte, I stumbled across this shitty clips show on The Comedy Channel and decided the world need a warning about it and its host Daniel Tosh.

Australia’s Funniest Home Videos has been running since 1990. It works coz the host introduces the clip, the voice over guy does a funny voice and Dad get’s hit in the balls, the kid on the bike crashes into the kangaroo or Nanna’s boobs fall out at the Bar Mitzvah. Cut back to host who says something inane, show the prize and see you next week.

Tosh.0 has this human turd aka Daniel Tosh being a dick about video clips on a screen behind him, talking incessantly as they play, no boing sound effects and he’s such a tool.  Daniel Tosh is like a great deal of unfunny American’s on TV (Oprah, The harpies on The View, Brad Garrett) loud, stupid and badly written for.

He comes across as a smarmy frat jock you see in 80’s films. I would like to see him get his come-uppance in the form of a beating. A savage beating. A beating with a chainsaw. A chainsaw that’s on and wielded by Dave Foster, the Tasmanian tree chopping dude from the Easter Show. Now that’s an awesome show!

Though it’s not that funny, Australia’s Funniest Home Videos is a far superior product to Tosh.0 and will always be for these reasons: Jo-Beth Taylor, Shelley Craft, Toni Pearon and Catriona Rowntree!

Kev

Alien Western aka High Plains Invaders

I love the idea of mash ups. Take two things that don’t seem to fit and make a new yet familiar thing like DJ Chris Adams’ Vanilla Ice Vs Bon Jovi, Pirates Vs Ninjas comic book or the Shining redone as a heartfelt father and son film. The idea of Wild West Vs alien attack is awesome and hopefully the 2011 film Cowboys Vs Aliens can save the sub-genre after the damage done by the vast waste of time this film is.

OMFG! What a fucking vast of space THIS film is! You’ve probably never seen it due to the fact that no-one except me and the producer’s son have seen this nonsense! They must of read about Cowboys Vs Aliens and made this film in response in about 3 days, spending all the budget on getting James Marsters (aka Spike from Buffy) to appear in it and with the $8 left over to get some cowboy hats. James must have been drunk when he signed on and in a coma when he read the script.

This film is shit! Terrible computer generated egg aliens invade a town, bad gunslinger with heart of gold tries to turn back the tide of aliens. The most annoying thing in this film isn’t the cheap aliens, the shitty set left over from Bonanza, the fact they changed the name for Australian release or James signing onto this waste of film; it’s the female gunslinger always bragging how fast she is. She dies by the way and guess what she says…yup “They were fast”. Oh the irony!

This film makes you believe that a chimp with dyslexia could’ve written a better film and his blind chimp mate could’ve directed it. Fuck maybe it was! I watched this, you don’t have to, that goes for you too JD.

Kev

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

Like many bad films, this one has elements of good but on the whole turned quickly into convoluted, pointless mess that leaves you thinking “If only they’d done…” It has betrayal, a robbery, some twists and a lead character who has a nasty burn down his face…I’m really making this sound better than it is.

The title of the film is poorly chosen. The film should have been called Bi-sexual Twist Ending, which would have made them more money and been a lot more honest on what this bad story tries to be. Co-writer and director Mitch Rouse must have watched the entire Tarantino collection , The Usual Suspects, Heat and Cyber Dyke Sex Network whilst eating handfuls of guarana infused caffeine to come up with this with his mate Jay Legget.

I like Matt Dillon. I like Christina Applegate. I even like Steve Zahn who nails his nutbag character to a tee (or tea if you want one them whilst you read this). On the whole this film is a waste of your money and your time, whilst also being a waste of their time and talent! So it quadruply sucks!

And the ending, the very end shot of the film OMFG what a piece of Zen-esque, karmic-balance restoring CRAP! It’s like they got the Dalai-Lama in to finish the film and try to make the universe all good. STUPID, RIDICULOUS FUCKING ENDING!

So in my humble opinion avoid this film! I watched this entire patchy rubbish for it’s entire 94 mins so you don’t have to.

Also avoid the other film with the same title starring Dane Cook, Jessica Simpson and some douche called Dax…this film will make you hurt yourself while clawing your eyes out screaming “Why didn’t i listen to the guys at WWISYDHT”

Kev

Review to follow soon!

“FREE JIMMY”

“We watched it so you dont have to…!” this time we watched “Free Jimmy”, a norwegian animated film starring the voice talents of, Woody Harrelson, Simon Pegg, David Tennant, Jim Broadbent and Samantha Morton to name but a few. not a groundbreaking film but fun none the less, the Jimmy in the title is a drug addicted elephant working in a russian circus. Jimmy is kept on a strict regime of uppers and downers to make sure he can perform at showtime. Unfortunately, for Jimmy, at least 3 groups of people (the vegans, the stoners, the mobsters and dont forget the moose!) are trying to break him free, all for different reasons. If you ever wondered what a mash up of Wallace & Gromit and Lock Stock & 2 Smoking Barrels would look like then wonder no more, this is it. For lovers of animation, the character design is awesome, every character is a living caricature and highly detailed, Jimmy in particular is a great looking character and you will sympathise with him from the first moment he appears on screen. Funny, sweary, and violent, this film is a must see for lovers of animation.

JD gives this film 2 very enthusiastic thumbs up.

http://www.maytherockbewithyou.com

We watched “THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE” so you dont have to.WARNING!! “there be spoilers ahead”. I can tell you right now that this movie is hilarious for all the wrong reasons, barely any horror or gore to speak of for those of you who are fans of that, but an abbsolutely amazing performance by Dieter Laser as the mad surgeon, he seems to be the only person who realised this film was a joke. in a nutshell, 2 hot, annoying, american girls get sewn ass to mouth to a japanese man, by the end of the film only the “middle piece” of the centipede survives after the man at the front and the girl at the back die from suicide and infection respectively, and the mad surgeon is killed in a shoot out with the police, credits roll.
JD’s rating: Watch before dinner.

(this is the first ever “wwisydht” so its rather short, kev’s thoughts, compliments and complaints to follow)